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Know Thy Enemy

 

 

 Past Interviews:

 Bob Sylvester, Sr.
 Tim Zigmund
 John Gill
 Billy Romaniello
 Joe Brennan
 Eric Zigmund
 Brian Hicks
 Mike Glander
 Jeff Paulson
 Mike Stein
 Paul Marazita
 Chris Luhning
 Matt Clemm
 Gene Patterson
 DJ Shepard
 Chris Schultheis
 Phil Geisel
 Adam Musson
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 Jim Doyle
 Scott Romonosky
 Ken Kaminski
 Bobby Sylvester
 Steve Osborne
 John Duel
 John Bochicchio
 Brian Potrafka
 Tom DiStefano
 Tony DeCastro
 Greg Newgard
 Tony Badger
 Ed McGowan
 Tony Chamra
 Tom DiStefano
 Mike Glander (2)
 Brian Potrafka (2)
 Anthony Peburn
 Jeff Paulson (2)
 Bobby Sylvester (2)
 Chris Luhning (2)
 Nic Weiss (2)
 Matt Clemm (2)
 Mike Stein (2)
 Mike Ranney
 Jim Doyle (2)
 Scott Romonosky (2)
 John Duel (2)
 Scot Zook (2)
 Anthony Peburn (2)
 Greg Newgard (2)
 Kyle Robinson
 Bobby Sylvester (2015)
 Ryan Glander

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December 6, 2018
by "Biggest Daddy"

Interview with Mike Glander,
Salem Cowtippers

You haven’t seen me in about three years, which is before Aaron Judge was (1) in the bigs and (2) on the Flagstaff Outlaws. Since Ryan Glander was the last person I spoke to in October 2015, the BDBL has gained eight new owners (two are co-owners), lost Ryan as an owner (was Biggest Daddy’s interrogation too tough?), and seen two different champions.

Sure, we are all as excited to meet the new owners as we are to meet the Mets. But after arising from my slumber, we’re going back to the BDBL’s humble roots and waterboarding, errrrr, interviewing Beloved Commissioner for Life Mike Glander. It will be his third time sitting across from me instead of Roy Firestone, but his first since February of 2006. That’s a long time to go without either an interview or a BDBL World Series title, as The Commish will attest. (What, it’s been an even longer wait for a trophy?)

Anyway, here we are with an in-depth interview with BDBL founder and commissioner and Salem Cowtippers owner Mike Glander.


BIGGEST DADDY: Haven’t talked to you since Feb. 2006. What’s happened since then?

MIKE GLANDER: Well, let's see. I lost two more World Series to Tom, and another to Bob. I traded away all of my best prospects, who have all since become Hall-of-Fame certainties the moment they left Salem. Jim Doyle still makes zany trades and irrational managerial decisions. Jeff Paulson has a killer bullpen. And we have a Republican president who is so despised by the left that he's literally driven them insane. In other words, not much has changed since '06.

BD: In Meet the Commish, November 1998, you wrote: “I hope that with the Diamond Mind baseball game I have finally found the realistic baseball sim I have been searching for since 1981.” With 20 years to evaluate it, have you?

MG: What's more realistic than watching Charlie Blackmon bash 40-gazillion homers in a ballpark that severely reduces lefthanded power? Listen, DMB is far from perfect, and they'll never improve their product, so we're stuck with what we have. Unfortunately, there isn't a better piece of software out there. Given the fact that only old people like me still follow baseball, and have any interest in playing a video game where graphics take a back seat to statistical accuracy, I think it's safe to say a better product will never be developed. I can only hope that Diamond Mind works with Windows 2050.

BD: The BDBL is older than two of your three sons. How does your saint of a wife put up with all the time and effort you spend on the league?

MG: It's not like we have anything better to do. We haven't had another son in a while, so that should tell you something.

BD: Speaking of sons, your only son older than the BDBL played in the league for a few years before recently stepping aside. When you started the league did you ever think it would last long enough for him to join for seven years AND quit with the league still thriving?

MG: Before I became a father, I just assumed that any sons (or daughters) I had would automatically be rabid baseball fans. I just figured it's passed down in the genes or something. Imagine my surprise when Ryan turned out to be the only one of my three boys who ever actually cared about the game. It was quite an honor to have Ryan play in this league for as long as he did. He's at an incredibly demanding and hectic age, so I understand why he left, but I haven't given up hope that he will return someday.

BD: You are the self-proclaimed Johnny Appleseed of the BDBL, as you are always sowing other teams’ farms with prospects. Off the top of your head, who are the biggest names the Salem Cowtippers have traded away?

MG: Trust me, the prospects I have sacrificed through the years are always at the top of my head. It keeps me awake at night. And yet I keep trading them. Go figure. The ones that haunt me the most (in no particular order): Aaron Judge, Carlos Correa, Alex Bregman, Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer, and -- most recently -- Wander Franco. Wander F'ing Franco. I'm still shaking my head over that stupidity.

BD: When was the most recent time that you thought about killing the league, or at least ending your tenure as commissioner (which would kill the league)?

MG: First, I believe Greg would do an amazing job as Commish, so I don't believe this league would die without me. In fact, I'm putting it in my will that you guys MUST continue after I'm gone. I've never seriously considered killing the league. I get far too much enjoyment out of it -- even when I'm cursing at my laptop in the middle of the night.

BD: Rank your BDBL World Series losses in order, from most excruciating to almost every bit as excruciating?

MG: I just did this for my blog! Didn't you read it, Biggest Daddy? Don't tell me I write all of that stuff for nothing! The 2001 OLCS remains the low point of my BDBL career. All of the many other postseason losses are just slightly duller points of searing pain and agony.

BD: Now answer the question before the World Series one again.

MG: 2001.

BD: Your BDBL record-keeping and archiving is impeccable. Are you this organized in real life?

MG: God, no. If only I were, I'd be CEO at my company. Hell, if I put half as much effort into my actual job as I do with my "hobby", I'd probably own the company.

BD: We know Barack Obama is a big basketball fan. but what if he were a huge baseball fan and asked to join the BDBL?

MG: Oh, he is a huge baseball fan! Didn't you hear him claim to be a big White Sox fan? Just because he couldn't name a single White Sock at any point during his lifetime, it's not like the guy would just look straight in our face and lie! If Obama were in the BDBL, we'd have to listen to him endlessly brag about himself on the forum. He would be like Peburn, but even more annoying (if that's even possible.) He would vote "present" for every league vote. His team payroll would constantly be over-budget. And he would insist that the most successful teams in the league trade their best players to him in order to "spread the wealth."

BD: Which BDBL franchise is most likely to be destroyed by climate change?

MG: Well, according to Hollywood (and DC), both coasts will be washed away at any moment now. However, that won't destroy franchises like Los Altos and SoCal, because they'll just move further inland. Eventually, the entire country will be underwater and all 350 million citizens will be crammed into Joplin.

BD: How many Rocky movies have you seen in the theater?

MG: Um...all of them! Well...maybe not. I was six years old when the first one hit theaters, and don't remember actually going to see it. I may have had to wait until it was broadcast on our ten-inch black-and-white TV. Yeah, I'm old.

BD: As a Yankees fan, what’s it like to see the Red Sox win four World Series to New York’s one this century?

MG: I prefer not to start the clock at the beginning of this century. Instead, I start the clock when I was born. By that measurement, the Yankees have won seven championships and Boston has won only four. We're still way ahead.

BD: You work from home, spend presumably even more time on the BDBL, and have three kids. What do you do when you actually get to leave the house?

MG: It's cute that you think I ever actually leave the house. The highlight of my week is when I get to go grocery shopping. On extremely rare occasions I'll go out with some friends to play trivia, go bowling, watch the Pats, or just hang out and listen to a band. I have quite the exciting life outside of the BDBL.

BD: Thank you, Commissioner Mike Glander, for creating the greatest baseball sim league on the planet and for going in depth with Biggest Daddy once again!

MG: Thank you, BD! Nice to have you back.