|December 6, 2018
by "Biggest Daddy"
You haven’t seen me in about three
years, which is before Aaron Judge was (1) in the bigs and (2) on the
Flagstaff Outlaws. Since Ryan Glander was the last person I spoke to in
October 2015, the BDBL has gained eight new owners (two are co-owners),
lost Ryan as an owner (was Biggest Daddy’s interrogation too tough?),
and seen two different champions.
Sure, we are all as excited to meet the new owners as we are to meet the
Mets. But after arising from my slumber, we’re going back to the BDBL’s
humble roots and waterboarding, errrrr, interviewing Beloved
Commissioner for Life Mike Glander. It will be his third time sitting
across from me instead of Roy Firestone, but his first since February of
2006. That’s a long time to go without either an interview or a BDBL
World Series title, as The Commish will attest. (What, it’s been an even
longer wait for a trophy?)
Anyway, here we are with an in-depth interview with BDBL founder and
commissioner and Salem Cowtippers owner Mike Glander.
BIGGEST DADDY: Haven’t talked to you since Feb. 2006. What’s happened
Well, let's see. I lost two more World Series to Tom, and another to
Bob. I traded away all of my best prospects, who have all since become
Hall-of-Fame certainties the moment they left Salem. Jim Doyle still
makes zany trades and irrational managerial decisions. Jeff Paulson has
a killer bullpen. And we have a Republican president who is so despised
by the left that he's literally driven them insane. In other words, not
much has changed since '06.
BD: In Meet the Commish, November 1998, you wrote: “I hope that with
the Diamond Mind baseball game I have finally found the realistic
baseball sim I have been searching for since 1981.” With 20 years to
evaluate it, have you?
What's more realistic than watching Charlie Blackmon bash 40-gazillion
homers in a ballpark that severely reduces lefthanded power? Listen, DMB
is far from perfect, and they'll never improve their product, so we're
stuck with what we have. Unfortunately, there isn't a better piece of
software out there. Given the fact that only old people like me still
follow baseball, and have any interest in playing a video game where
graphics take a back seat to statistical accuracy, I think it's safe to
say a better product will never be developed. I can only hope that
Diamond Mind works with Windows 2050.
BD: The BDBL is older than two of your three sons. How does your
saint of a wife put up with all the time and effort you spend on the
MG: It's not like we
have anything better to do. We haven't had another son in a while, so
that should tell you something.
BD: Speaking of sons, your only son older than the BDBL played in the
league for a few years before recently stepping aside. When you started
the league did you ever think it would last long enough for him to join
for seven years AND quit with the league still thriving?
MG: Before I became a father, I just
assumed that any sons (or daughters) I had would automatically be rabid
baseball fans. I just figured it's passed down in the genes or
something. Imagine my surprise when Ryan turned out to be the only one
of my three boys who ever actually cared about the game. It was quite an
honor to have Ryan play in this league for as long as he did. He's at an
incredibly demanding and hectic age, so I understand why he left, but I
haven't given up hope that he will return someday.
BD: You are the self-proclaimed Johnny Appleseed of the BDBL, as you
are always sowing other teams’ farms with prospects. Off the top of your
head, who are the biggest names the Salem Cowtippers have traded away?
MG: Trust me, the prospects I have
sacrificed through the years are always at the top of my head. It keeps
me awake at night. And yet I keep trading them. Go figure. The ones that
haunt me the most (in no particular order): Aaron Judge, Carlos Correa,
Alex Bregman, Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer, and -- most recently --
Wander Franco. Wander F'ing Franco. I'm still shaking my head over that
BD: When was the most recent time that you thought about killing the
league, or at least ending your tenure as commissioner (which would kill
MG: First, I
believe Greg would do an amazing job as Commish, so I don't believe this
league would die without me. In fact, I'm putting it in my will that you
guys MUST continue after I'm gone. I've never seriously considered
killing the league. I get far too much enjoyment out of it -- even when
I'm cursing at my laptop in the middle of the night.
BD: Rank your BDBL World Series losses in order, from most
excruciating to almost every bit as excruciating?
MG: I just did this for my blog! Didn't
you read it, Biggest Daddy? Don't tell me I write all of that stuff for
nothing! The 2001 OLCS remains the low point of my BDBL career. All of
the many other postseason losses are just slightly duller points of
searing pain and agony.
BD: Now answer the question before the World Series one again.
BD: Your BDBL record-keeping and archiving is impeccable. Are you
this organized in real life?
MG: God, no. If only I were, I'd be CEO
at my company. Hell, if I put half as much effort into my actual job as
I do with my "hobby", I'd probably own the company.
BD: We know Barack Obama is a big basketball fan. but what if he were
a huge baseball fan and asked to join the BDBL?
MG: Oh, he is a huge baseball fan! Didn't
you hear him claim to be a big White Sox fan? Just because he couldn't
name a single White Sock at any point during his lifetime, it's not like
the guy would just look straight in our face and lie! If Obama were in
the BDBL, we'd have to listen to him endlessly brag about himself on the
forum. He would be like Peburn, but even more annoying (if that's even
possible.) He would vote "present" for every league vote. His team
payroll would constantly be over-budget. And he would insist that the
most successful teams in the league trade their best players to him in
order to "spread the wealth."
BD: Which BDBL franchise is most likely to be destroyed by climate
MG: Well, according
to Hollywood (and DC), both coasts will be washed away at any moment
now. However, that won't destroy franchises like Los Altos and SoCal,
because they'll just move further inland. Eventually, the entire country
will be underwater and all 350 million citizens will be crammed into
BD: How many Rocky movies have you seen in the theater?
MG: Um...all of them! Well...maybe not. I
was six years old when the first one hit theaters, and don't remember
actually going to see it. I may have had to wait until it was broadcast
on our ten-inch black-and-white TV. Yeah, I'm old.
BD: As a Yankees fan, what’s it like to see the Red Sox win four
World Series to New York’s one this century?
MG: I prefer not to start the clock at the
beginning of this century. Instead, I start the clock when I was born.
By that measurement, the Yankees have won seven championships and Boston
has won only four. We're still way ahead.
BD: You work from home, spend presumably even more time on the BDBL,
and have three kids. What do you do when you actually get to leave the
MG: It's cute that you
think I ever actually leave the house. The highlight of my week is when
I get to go grocery shopping. On extremely rare occasions I'll go out
with some friends to play trivia, go bowling, watch the Pats, or just
hang out and listen to a band. I have quite the exciting life outside of
BD: Thank you, Commissioner Mike Glander, for creating the greatest
baseball sim league on the planet and for going in depth with Biggest
Daddy once again!
you, BD! Nice to have you back.