December 28,1999

Mitch and the Mad Cow

The following transcript was reprinted with permission from KCOW (AM 560) Radio, Salem (note: if you've never heard the "Mike and the Mad Dog" show on WFAN in New York, most of this will probably go over your head.) :

Mad Cow: "Goooood afternoon everybody! How are you todaaaaay? Mitch and the Mad Cow here with you on a Tuesday afternoon, talking sports, sports and more sports because that's what we do here on sports talk radio, ain't that right, Mitchy?"

Mitch: "Uh...can't argue with that, 'Cow."

Mad Cow: "I tell ya, Mitchy, there's not a lot for us to talk about this time of year. The Pats and Celts are out of it, no one south of the aurora borealis gives a rat's ass about ice hockey and it'll be a few months before Salem's number one sport of watching cars take a left turn while going really, really fast comes back to town. Thank god for the BDBL, huh, Mitchy?"

Mitch: "You said it, 'Cow."

Mad Cow: "I tell ya, it's an exciting time to be a Salem Cowtippers fan. With Draft Day just around the corner and the 2000 season right behind that, these Cowtipper fans are just bursting with precipitation."

Mitch: "Uh...don't you mean 'AN-ticipation' there, 'Cow?"

Mad Cow: "Hey, they don't pay me millions of bucks for my mastery of the English language, there, Mitchy!"

Mitch: "Ain't that the truth..."

Mad Cow: (laughs hysterically for two full minutes)

(Ten minute commercial break...)

Mitch: "Welcome back. That commercial break was brought to you by the Toup Coop. Just go to any Toup Coop superstore, tell them the Cow sent you, and get a free back hair brush with any purchase of a hand-crafted hair replacement system. Call 555-TOUP or visit www.toupcoop.com for your free home estimate. Right now, we have a special guest in the studio today, 'Cow, and it's none other than Salem Cowtipper GM Mike Glander. Welcome to the show, Mike."

Mike: "Thanks for having me...I think."

Mad Cow: "Don't worry, Mikey, I don't bite...anymore."

Mitch: "Mike, you've been working pretty hard this off-season. Are you satisfied with the way it's gone so far?"

Mike: "Well, when I was a 15-year-old sophomore standing on the sidelines at varsity football games (because it was such an honor to do so), there used to be a very large kid named 'Mo' who used to pace up and down the sidelines yelling 'Let's go! Don't get satisfied!' over and over again. Of course, I never could figure out how on earth anyone could be satisfied standing on the sidelines for three hours in the middle of winter, but I took what he said and made it my personal mantra. Therefore, the answer to your question would be no. I'll never be satisfied, and that's the key to my success."

Mad Cow: "Wow...this 'Mo' guy...he wasn't Mo Vaughn, was he?"

Mike: "Nah. I grew up a little north of Norwalk. This guy was more like Mo from 'The Three Stooges.' Except he was bigger, louder and dumber."

Mitch: "You guys had a lot of ups and downs last year. At one point you lost nine in a row and twelve of thirteen. You also enjoyed a great deal of success, of course. What would you say was the high point and low point of the season?"

Mike: "When it comes to high points, I always think about the Chapter Two game against Madison where we came from five runs behind in the eighth to win it on a grand slam homer by Lee Stevens. That was an exciting win for us, and I believe it was the turning point of the season for our offense. The low point, obviously, was the loss to Stamford in the playoffs. We felt - and still feel - we had the talent to beat those guys, but as Pete Carroll likes to say: 'We just didn't get it done.'"

Mad Cow: "Hey, Mikey - you know, sometimes I do some really stupid things. Like just the other day, I accidentally got my tongue stuck in a blender. Then, when I look back on it I say, 'boy I wish I hadn't done that.' Has that ever happened to you?"

Mike: "Uh...I assume you mean in relation to the decisions I make about this team? Well, sure. I question my decisions every day, but that's part of the challenge of my job. If I had it to do over, would I have chosen Kevin Millwood or Ismael Valdes instead of Matt Morris in the draft? Absolutely. Would I have traded Ben Davis and Robert Person for Robb Nen? No way in hell. But hindsight is 20-20. You make a decision and you live with it. You try not to dwell on the past, but instead find a way to learn by your mistakes with an eye toward the future."

Mitch: "You mentioned Morris. You guys had a lot of tough luck in terms of the personnel you're returning for this season. Was Morris the toughest break of them all?"

Mike: "That's hard to say. I think going into this season without a bona-fide ace is the toughest thing to overcome. It's hard to win in the playoffs without an ace. Losing Morris was a tough pill to swallow, but I think Maddux's shocking downfall was even tougher. Look, every team has had its share to tough breaks - well, except maybe Stamford. But like Big Daddy always tells me: when someone hands you a bunch of lemons, you make a pie out of it."

Mad Cow: "What was the best deal you made so far?"

Mike: "Last year, I made a little deal that went completely unnoticed in the press. I thought it was a brilliant deal, actually. I traded Donovan Osbourne straight-up for Roger Cedeno. This was in the very beginning of the year when Cedeno was still playing part-time and hadn't yet gotten noticed by the mainstream media. Osbourne had outstanding numbers against left-handers, and California needed a left-handed setup guy. Cedeno, of course, later turned into Tim Salmon, who helped our offense tremendously by giving protection to Olerud in the lineup."

Mitch: "I know you've already commented about the deals you've made this off-season. Now that the roster seems to be pretty much stabilized, how do you feel about this year's team?"

Mike: "If you'd asked me that a couple months ago, I would have painted you a pretty grim picture. But today, I feel pretty good about this team. I think we're going to be competitive."

Mad Cow: "How can you say that, Mikey? This team doesn't have one star player on the entire roster. Last year, we had Maddux, Olerud, Stewart, Veras and Brocail all having monster years. This year, we'll be lucky to get a reserve spot on the all-star team! I think you did a baaaad job, Mikey, a baaaaad job!"

Mike: "Well, everyone is entitled to his opinion, 'Dog. Last year, I said we'd win the whole thing. Most people were picking Plattsburgh to win our division, and a lot of people liked Akron and Marlboro better than us. But we proved them wrong. I think we'll do so again this season. You're right about one thing, Doggy, and that's that we don't have any all-stars on this team. But baseball is a team sport, and I think these guys will work well together as a team."

Mitch: "How would you compare this year's team to last year's?"

Mike: "I would say we have more balance this year than we had last year. Our lineup was very top-heavy last year. If you could get through the first four or five batters in the lineup, it was pretty much smooth sailing the rest of the way - at least until Steinbach's mysterious hot streak during the final week of the season. This year, our hitters at the bottom of the lineup - Febles, Stocker, Steinny, Miller, Sanchez, etc. - aren't the automatic outs those positions were last year. We don't have any monsters in the middle of our lineup like Olerud and Salmon were last year, but as a whole we have a bunch of guys who can all get the job done. Our pitching staff is also much better balanced. Last year, we were very top-heavy with Maddux and Daal - or at least what Daal should have been. This year, I'd put Hitchcock, Dreifort and Woodard against any other 3, 4 and 5 pitchers in the league. And our Big Three in the pen - Lowe, Zimmerman and Graves - can't be matched by anyone."

Mad Cow: "So if you were to make a predicament about this team, what would it be?"

Mike: "You mean a prediction? I don't make predictions, I make trades. I leave the predictions to the scribes and talking heads like yourself."

Mad Cow: "Well I don't like it. Not at all. I say this club is a .500 club at best. At best, Mikey!"

Mike: "As I said, 'Cow, you're entitled to your opinion. I think we can do better than that. And I think we can scratch and claw our way back into the playoffs this year. If that happens, you and I can exchange paychecks for a week, how about that?"

Mad Cow: "That sounds like a bet! What do I look like, Pete Rose?" (Laughs hysterically at his own joke for the next two full minutes.)

Mitch: "Mike, you've built a pretty impressive farm system. Anything to look forward to in the immediate future?"

Mike: "Well, because we had such a low draft pick in the farm draft last year, we decided to go with high-risk, high-ceiling, long-range prospects. Of the five players we chose at the time, three of them had no professional experience at all, one was in rookie ball and the other was in low A-ball. Considering our position in the draft, I think we did very well with Burroughs, Soriano and Restovich. We picked up Zimmerman and Choi mid-season and added Dee Brown and LeCroy this off-season. We now have a top prospect at every position except pitcher. Our scouts have nothing but praise for every one of these guys, and I'm looking forward to seeing how they progress this year. I think of the six prospects we have now, we may see Brown and LeCroy in a Cowtipper uniform next season. I think Soriano needs a full year in Triple-A and Restovich, Burroughs and Choi will most likely spend the entire year this season in Double-A, with a possible cup-of-coffee in September. If we can hold onto all of these guys for the next few years, I think by 2002 you could see a dynasty forming in Salem. By then, our pitchers like Milton, Vazquez, Woodard and Lowe will have matured and we'll have seven guys in our starting lineup with a combined salary of under two million. I imagine some of these guys will be sacrificed if we find ourselves in the thick of a pennant race some summer, but we'll blow up that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, I'm very much looking forward to the farm draft in January.  In fact, it's the only part of the draft I'm excited about. There are a ton of players out there I'd like to secure for the future.   And thanks to those that voted for it, we now have seven picks in that draft instead of two."

Mad Cow: "Who are you excited about in that draft, Mikey?"

Mike: "If I told you, 'Cow, I'd have to kill you, Mitch and all twelve of your listeners. I don't have enough time to do that much killing."

Mitch: "We understand. Thanks for coming in today, Mike. We hope to have you in again soon."

Mike: "My pleasure. I'll be back in October to serve Mad Cow an extra-large order of crow on a platter."

Mad Cow: "Better make it a head of lettuce, Mikey! I'm a veterinarian!"