Topic: I implore you to help Mike --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12-14-01 09:54 PM STMZoots In light of the Commissioner's recent plea for help with his posting of a new "poll" on the BDBL webpage, I am AGAIN imploring the league to help me stop this behavior. This cry for help MUST be heard. I have asked the leading authority on Obsessive/Compulsive behavior, Dr. Vinnyboombatz, to explain the issues and how just a few pennies from each of us can in fact make a difference. Dr. Vin? Dr.V: Yes Paul, thanks. I'm just so darn happy you have gotten me on board so early. I am afraid to say this is BAD, very BAD. One of the worst cases of Obsessive Behavior I have ever seen. PAUL: I know Dr. Vin, I know. It kind of reminds me of that Single White Female movie...or even that movie with Michael Douglas. Dr.V: You mean Fatal Attraction? PAUL: Yeah Dr. Vin, Fatal Attraction. I hear Mike ordered a dozen fresh young bunny rabbit embryos from that bio-testing facility. Seriously Dr. Vin, I fear for my life. I just want the old Mike back. That's it. Dr.V: Well Paul, the road ahead is long, but I think we have a chance. While it is clear that Mike obsesses about you constantly, there is a cure. PAUL: What is it Dr. Vin? I'll do anything. ANYTHING for my buddy Mike. Dr.V: Well Paul, I know this is going to be difficult, but I think you just have to roll over and throw Mike a bone. PAUL: Aw come on Dr. Vin, you can't mean.... Dr.V: Yes Paul. Just let him win. I think that will do the trick. Your decade long history of domination has left Mike feeling, well, kind of inadequate. I mean year after year after year of humiliation will weaken even the strongest man. PAUL: Really Dr. Vin? I mean look at that regular season record of his. Pretty impressive, no? Dr.V: Paul, you make a valid point, but there is a little known syndrome. Very few people know about it. We call it BCS -- "Bobby Cox Syndrome." PAUL: Oh no Dr. Vin, that sounds terrible. What are the symptoms. Dr.V: Its really quite sad actually. In addition to anger management issues and overall disorientation, there is the worst symptom... PAUL: Oh no, not that... Dr.V: Yes Paul...CHOKING. No matter what team you give him, the BCS victim finds a way to lose. You give him pitching, he loses. You give him hitting, he loses. PAUL: God Dr. Vin, is there a cure? Dr.V: Unfortunately we don't know of an absolute cure, but I have had some great success with the radical treatment we were discussing before. PAUL: You mean the "everyone pretends to be trying, but we let Mike win" treatment. Dr.V: Sadly yes. PAUL: God Dr. Vin, that's going to be hard, I'm an awfully competitive guy...and this league is full of guys just like me. Plus, isn't it kind of embarrassing for Mike. DrV: Well Paul, you said you would do anything. That's what has to be done. As for the embarrassment, come on, could it get any worse for the guy? Anyway, do you think you can get the other guys in the league to agree. PAUL: Well Dr. V, I will sure try. Don't know if you heard, but I have already formed the "Mike Glander Psychotherapy Fund." We even got Sally Struthers to be our spokesperson. DrV: Wow Paul. That's pretty darn impressive. I wish you the best of luck. I have never seen a worse case of BCS in the U.S -- once in the Ukraine, but never anything like this in the States -- in fact, I am going to see if we can rename the darn syndrome. At least Mike can have his name attached to SOMETHING. PAUL: I don't know Dr. Vin. That sounds a little harsh. Why don't we just stick to getting Mike some help. DrV: You're right Paul. That is the key. I don't know why you would help this guy after all the grief he puts you through. PAUL: Well Dr. Vin, no matter what, Mike will always be my boy. Sometimes you just have to bury the hatchet and do what's right. This is one of those times. DrV: I don't know how you do it. Gods speed Paul. Gods speed. PAUL: This isn't about me Dr. Vin. Its about getting Mike some help. So, fellow league members, please join me in this effort to help our Commish. For all he does for us, pitch in some extra salary cap money to the "Mike Glander Psychotherapy Fund." With your help we can and WILL find a cure for BCS in our lifetime. God bless you all and God bless the BDBL. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12-14-01 10:12 PM STMZoots Gosh, the money is just rolling in now. That last Poll seems to have finally hit home. A short rundown of our 3 biggest contributors: 3. Phil Geisel: Has donated his entire baseball card collection, two Derek Jeter bobblehead dolls AND $500,000 from his 2002 BDBL cap. Nicely done Phil. 2. Jim Doyle: Has donated his autographed copy of "Dan Quayle: Everything I know I learned in Kidstergarddden," Eric Valent AND $750,000 dollars from his 2002 cap. You the man Jim. 1. Sharky: and our big winner of this TeleThon is the Shark. Shark has donated all earnings from his 14 RotoLeagues this year, an Ichiro bobblehead AND $10,000,000 in extra cap space that he can't use because he finally figured out that Jamie Moyer is NOT in fact a real 1st round pick. Guys, keep those phones ringing. Fantastic job so far, but we have much further to go. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12-14-01 10:34 PM BDBLcommish Not bad, Counselor, not bad. Better than that annoying team statement you've been posting, that's for sure. Is this like one of those movies that premiers on December 31st in order to qualify for the Academy Awards? I still think Mike's post has you beat for "Post of the Year", but I suppose we could offer you the runner-up prize. But take it from me, that prize ain't all it's cracked up to be. (By the way, I actually thought the poll asked a legitimate question. I knew you'd be offended by it, but I felt it was an intriguing question nonetheless. I have only one question for you: which one did you vote for?) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12-14-01 10:44 PM STMZoots I still vote for Stein as well. I am STILL laughing about that. Thanks for the props though.