September, 2005
Today's
Special: Crow
It's become an annual tradition for us
to take a look back at comments made on the message board over the past
12 months and either laugh at them or stand in awe of their prophetic
accuracy. So let's jump right in.
"I could land a
plane in the middle of Aboriginal Australia right now, stop the
first person I see, and ask that person whether he would trade a
pile of dog crap for Sammy Sosa (with three other impact players
thrown in "just to make it even"), and I guarantee his response
would be, "Are you shittin' me? Of course! What fool wouldn't?""
-- Mike Glander,
6/12/04, following Allentown's acquisition of Sammy Sosa in exchange
for a pile of dog crap.
I never cease to amuse myself. By
the way, whatever happened to Merkin Valdez?
"From the home office in
Milwaukee...
TOP TEN NEW MILFORD T-SHIRT SLOGANS:
10. "Blazers in '04! (3004, that is.)"
9. "Property of the Jose Rosado fan club."
8. "New Milford: Where pennant hopes go to die."
7. "They play baseball in November??"
6. "Upton, Schmupton. We've got Horacio Ramirez!"
5. "I survived the 1999 season."
4. "Firefighters do it wearing rubber."
3. "Cowtippers suck."
2. "Instant Blazers fan costume: just add paper bag."
1. "Get a life!!!""
-- Mike Glander, 7/22/04
Funny and timely!
"I'd be willing to bet $1,000
that one of those three teams (Allentown, Chicago or Southern Cal)
will win the BDBL championship. All of the other 21 teams in the
BDBL are irrelevant right now."
-- Mike Glander, 7/29/04
Boy, am I glad no one took me up on
that bet!
"Between Burroughs' utter lack
of power (.364 SLG), Kearns' lost season, Nixon's 80-AB waste of a
roster spot (just enough AB's to kick in his option), Zito's
inexplicable collapse, Webb's sophomore slump, Edwin Jackson's
inexplicable collapse, Upton's continued failure with the glove,
Berkman's unexpected power failure, Young's complete regression to
the mean, Polanco's continued slump, Gobble's laughable rookie
failure, Tankersley's extended stay in the minor leagues, Munro's
transformation from useful to useless and Gabe White's
transformation from middle reliever to punching bag, it will be a
complete F'ing miracle if the 'Tippers win 50 games next year."
-- Mike Glander, 8/26/04
You know, between Burroughs' complete
collapse this season, Berkman's injury and lack of power, Ivan
Rodriguez's refusal to take a pitch, Greg Maddux showing his age, B.J.
Upton's continued failure with the glove, San Francisco's refusal to
play Todd Linden, Arizona's refusal to promote Carlos Quentin and
Michael Young's impending free agency, it will be a miracle if the
'Tippers win 50 games in 2006. Seriously.
"If there are going to be
penalties for going over a certain salary amount during the season,
you almost can't afford to give Bonds $20 mil because you won't be
able to fill any holes during the season via trades. Spending 1/3 of
your available cash on 1 guy is an awful lot."
-- Tom DiStefano, 8/26/04
Of course, if you can find some sucker
to take a $7 million Jason Giambi off your hands, then you can add as
much salary as you want during the season!
"My question is: if Boston
finally won, would it bring an end to the insipid "Yankees suck"
chants at every Red Sox game (regardless of opponent), Patriots
game, Celtics game, Bruins game, Bruce Springsteen concert and
Sunday Mass?"
-- Mike Glander, 9/18/04
The answer, sadly enough for the always
pathetic Red Sox Nation, is no.
"We know how this story ends.
Red Sox fans are acting like the teenage girls who went to watch the
Titanic movie and halfway through actually thought the ending
might change because they really liked Leonardo DiCaprio."
-- Mike Stein, 10/19/04
One of the funnier lines Stein has
written over the years. Too bad he was dead wrong.
"Though we traded our best
prospect in the fast rising (Billy) Butler, we were able to get two
solid prospects in Dopirak & Teahen"
-- Sharky Kaminski, 11/26/04
As Triumph the Insult Dog might say:
"Solid prospects? More like solid waste!"
I'm torn about this trade mostly
because I still have some faith in Griffey and knowing my luck he'll
hit .315 with 40 HRs this season and I'll be kicking myself as
usual.
-- Tony Chamra, 11/28/04
Griffey is currently hitting .295/.365/.559, and
is on pace to hit 38 homers. Poor Tony.
"Edwin Jackson
Adam Miller
Jared Weaver
David Bush
Kyle Sleeth
Jeremy Sowers
Brad Sullivan
Wade Townsend
Mike Pelfrey
Aaron Heilman
If even three of those guys pan out the way people think they will,
the OL is in big trouble."
-- Mike Glander, 11/25/04
I certainly hope 3 of those guys
do pan out....otherwise my farm system philosphy is complete
garbage. Only time will tell.
-- Jeff Paulson, 11/25/04
Time for an update:
Jackson: Posted an 8.62 ERA in
Triple-A before being demoted to Double-A.
Miller: Injured himself in spring training, and has thrown just
60 innings this year.
Weaver: Sporting a 4.91 ERA in Double-A.
Bush: Owns a 4.61 ERA this year, split between AAA and MLB.
Sleeth: Injured in spring training, and eventually released by
the Undertakers.
Sowers: An impressive 2.54 ERA between A and AA.
Sullivan: Traded, then released. Has compiled a 7.02 ERA
this season.
Townsend: Went back to school for his senior year. Owns a
7.17 ERA as a pro.
Pelfrey: Traded by LAU. Enjoyed terrific year at Wichita
State, drafted 9th overall by Mets.
Heilman: Owns a respectable 3.89 ERA with the Mets.
That's what I call a mixed-bag.
"To trade away the team's
youngest pitcher [Javier Vazquez] for a 41-year-old pitcher [Randy
Johnson] -- and throw in the team's best setup man and best prospect
on top of it -- would be, quite possibly, the dumbest thing the
Yankees have ever done. (And that says a lot.)"
-- Mike Glander, 12/1/04
Vazquez: 4.67 ERA
Johnson: 4.34 ERA
Of course, the Yankees also threw in
Brad Halsey, "just to make it even."
"I basically see [Kendry
Morales] as a switch-hitting Miguel Cabrera."
-- Mike Glander, 12/2/04
Cabrera, minor league career:
.287/.352/.434
Morales, minor league career: .286/.333/.486
"Mike will trade [Kendry]
Morales before the deadline."
-- Gene Patterson, 12/2/04
Kreskin Gene!
"I have no problem with Ponson
for one year at $3M...Ponson also should benefit from park effects
and having a good infield behind him."
-- Tony Badger, 12/3/04
So far, New Hope's park effects and
infield has resulted in 206 hits allowed in 152+ innings, to go along
with a 6.14 ERA.
"We're talking about a couple of 18 year old
kids here, people. Anything can happen between A-ball and the Major
Leagues. It was only about three or four years ago that Josh Hamilton
was considered a 'top-five can't-miss prospect' and Albert Pujols was an
unknown A-ball hitter. Things tend to change pretty quickly when you're
talking about very young
prospects."
-- Mike Glander, 12/6/04
While one of those 18-year-old kids has
become the talk of minor league baseball (at least, as far as hitters
go), the other is currently hitting .278/.355/.492 in A-ball, with 98
strikeouts in 396 AB's, and has likely fallen from a top-5 prospect to a
top-25.
"Basically, Los Altos paid $3.6
million for Franklin Gutierrez. That is a very interesting
experiment taking place in Los Altos. I can't wait to see how it
turns out."
-- Mike Glander, 12/13/04
So far, that $3.6 million investment
has resulted in a Double-A batter hitting .261/.322/.423. In a
dozen Triple-A games, Gutierrez is hitting .220/.238/.341.
"Within 2 years, the difference
between Mulder and Haren will be negligible. And Barton will be a
STAR in the majors. You read it here first!!!"
-- Tom DiStefano, 12/18/04
Mulder: 168.1 IP, 174 H, 16 HR,
57 BB, 88 K, 3.74 ERA, 533/799 splits
Haren: 166.1 IP, 166 H, 19 HR, 43 BB, 122 K, 4.00 ERA, 705/728
splits
All that's left is for Barton to become
a major league star.
"If you owned (Carlos) Zambrano, would
you trade him for Delmon Young and Barry Zito?"
-- Mike Glander, 12/21/04
How about now, Sharky? Would you
turn down that offer now?
"I'm tired of all the whining
and general hysteria that follows every trade I make. Therefore, for
ONE YEAR I am putting myself on "Trade Watch"."
-- Tom DiStefano, 1/22/05
Boy, that year seemed to fly by, didn't
it?
"Penny is obviously the big ? in
this whole trade. I personally think he will be healthy and throw
200 innings. If he does that, I think he can have an ERA around 3.5,
maybe even lower. IF that is the case, he will be worth well more
than 6.5 million next year. Who knows? But my money is on a healthy
Penny."
-- Jeff Paulson, 1/26/05
Penny is currently sporting a 3.60 ERA,
and is on pace to throw 189 innings.
"I never understand why you
ALWAYS take this viewpoint [that it is better to wait for 20/20
hindsight before pulling the trigger on a star-for-prospect trade.]
Sure if Hermida sucks, Jeff is screwed. What if he waits and Hermida
hits .410 in the minors, gets called up to Florida and hits .350 in
his first month? Then Jeff gets nothing because Tony doesn't trade
him."
-- Tony Chamra, 1/30/05
Here we are, seven months later, and I'd
bet my autographed 1977 "Big League Brothers" baseball card (featuring
the Reuschel brothers) that Tony Badger would still make this trade,
even considering Hermida's ascension to top prospect status.
"I can just see it...Bonds picks
up exactly 75 AB this season and I have to keep him for 20.5 mil."
-- Bobby Sylvester, 1/31/05
Don't worry, Bobby. The Baseball
Gods are never that cruel to you.
"Can Chris Nelson be mentioned
any more times that he is as Col's #2 prospect? I wonder if trading
him (and Brian Dopirak and John Buck) for $8.9m (Kevin Millwood) in
cap space and Shouse & Easley was worth it? Never thought he would
shoot up this fast."
-- Sharky, 2/11/05
Nelson: .244/.307/.338 in A-ball
Dopirak: .243/.297/.391 in A-ball
Buck: .224/.272/.348 in MLB
Yep, I'd say all of that "talent" was
worth an extra $8.9 million in spending money at the draft! (Plus Shouse and Easley!)
"That Guillen signing at $9.5m
by Allentown sort of flew under the radar this winter, but that is a
pretty big risk, no? We're talking about a guy with a torn ACL,
whose career numbers were .264/.335/.383 coming into last season.
That $9.5m bid was a very ballsy move by Tom."
-- Mike Glander, 2/18/05
That $9.5m
investment is looking better than that $7m investment the Ridgebacks
made in Nomar Garciaparra!
"Blazers fans are doing
cartwheels in the streets of New Milford. Traffic was tied up for
over an hour. Five arrests were made. Billy baseball spent the
afternoon collecting bail money for his entire family.
Go Blazers!"
-- Anthony Peburn, 2/21/05
Ah...February.
"Why on earth would you make
this trade, Mike? What are you expecting to get from Arthur Rhodes?
He was AWFUL last year, pitching in a tremendous pitcher's park, and
at 35 years old, I don't see any reason for optimism."
-- Mike Glander, 3/7/05
Quick -- someone phone Ms. Cleo and
tell her Mike Stein has stolen her crystal ball!
Rhodes' numbers: 41 IP, 32 H, 2 HR, 11
BB, 41 K, 1.98 ERA.
"Bruce Chen is and will always
be a better pitcher than Cliff Lee. I don't know what your actually
job is, but you should be working for the Yankees with all of your
expertise in baseball."
-- Chris Luhning, 3/11/05
I have to hand it to him. So far,
Chris is right on the money with that statement:
Chen: 148 IP, 146 H, 25 HR, 46
BB, 99 K, 3.95 ERA
Lee: 154.1 IP, 156 H, 17 HR, 44 BB, 113 K, 3.91 ERA
Who knew?
"Between Borowski, Jorge
Vasquez, Gabe White, Paul Quantrill, David Aardsma, Francisco
Cruceta, Fernando Cabrera, Abe Alvarez, Scott Dohmann, Ben Weber and
Rafael Soriano, I'd better get at least ONE decent reliever for
2006!"
-- Mike Glander, 3/15/05
The "Monty Burns Curse" strikes
again:
Borowski: failed miserably with
Chicago (though he's done much better in Tampa Bay)
Vasquez: demoted to minors
White: released by the 'Tippers
Quantrill: sporting a 5.19 ERA
Aardsma: demoted to minors
Cruceta: still pitching in minors, released by Cleveland
Cabrera: traded by the 'Tippers
Alvarez: still stuck in minors
Dohmann: posted a 1.00 ERA in August, which lowered his
ERA to 8.62
Weber: 8.03 ERA, released by 'Tippers
Soriano: still rehabbing his injured elbow
"[Noah] Lowry must be one of
those guys you can only appreciate if you're from California. His
minor league numbers were decent, but nothing to write home
about...His major league numbers are actually slightly better... But
I still have a hard time getting all that excited over him."
-- Mike Glander, 4/13/05
In case you missed it (and how could
you have, what with all the crowing coming out of Corona), Little Noah's
been on a real tear lately. His ERA's by month: 5.60, 5.17, 4.36,
3.58, 0.57.
"BDBL owners and the job they
are the LEAST suited for:
Ken Kaminski, Judge – “I find
the defendant INNOCENT! No wait, maybe he was guilty; what do you
guys think? Yeah, he’s definitely innocent. WAIT!!! He might be
guilty. I’ll be right back, I need to check a law book.”
Brian Potrafka, Psychologist –
“You know you have a point, your situation IS pretty hopeless.
Hopeless like a tick on a dying bird. Hopeless like a sheep being
led to slaughter. Blood gushing, teeth gnashing, my ass is on fire
and my head doesn’t know it…..”
John Bochicchio, Emergency Room
Doctor – “Miss Adams, your husband is not looking good. It’s 3 to 1
that he’ll even make it through the night. 2 to 1 that he’ll make it
through the weekend. Or you can take the Death/Brain Damage parlay
at 5 to 1 and maybe tease that down with …….”
Mike Glander, Hostage Negotiator – “You want to give me ONE FREAKING
HOSTAGE in exchange for a helicopter, 1 million dollars, and a
guarantee that we won’t follow you??? Are you KIDDING ME???? That’s
just IDIOTIC!! Why would I possibly DO that??? Hold on, I want to do
a poll with the cops out here about just how idiotic you are…..”
DJ Sheppard, Choir Leader –
“…and then I’ll open up this box and bats will fly out. After that
we’ll set the curtains on fire with this torch which will take us to
the finale where we’ll push the organ over the side of the balcony.
Mrs. Jablonski, I may need your help with that…..”
Tony DeCastro, Athletic trainer
– “OH MY GOD, I’m REALLY SORRY Mr. Mooney!!!! I was just trying to
stretch your leg out, I can’t BELIEVE it came off like that!!!!! I
mean, that never really happens, I’ve never SEEN someone’s leg just
COME OFF like that!! I’m SURE there’s a doctor that can help you, oh
God, I’m REALLY SORRY…”
Jim Doyle, math teacher – “Ok, this week I’ve come up with another
way to do long division. It has to do with the tides, the day of the
week, and the third stanza from the Riverdance song “The Stompin’
Irishman”……”
Billy Romaniello, Hazardous
Chemicals Handler – “You mean there are MORE rules??? It’s not
enough that I’ve got to wear this suit, but there are rules about
how to wash off and how to hold things and EVERYTHING??? Man, you
guys need to get a life…”
Jeff Paulson, Manager of a
Senior Citizen Home – “Mr. Jones, we appreciate your interest in
Sleepy Hollow Adult Community but to be perfectly honest, you’re a
little old for us. We’re actually looking for 35 year olds who we
can keep on our lists until they’re ready to move in. Maybe your
grandchildren would be interested in joining?”
Steve Osborne, Kindergarten teacher – “Ok guys, listen up. That
little som-bitch Oliver thinks he can thumb his nose at standard
dodgeball etiquette so we’re going to teach him a thing or two about
how we play dodgeball HERE at Fred Snorkle Elementary School. Timmy,
I want you to distract him with a throw at his feet. Christine,
you’re going to aim for his back. Kenny, YOU’RE the one who’s going
to have the rock…..”"
-- Tom DiStefano, 5/12/05
What better way to close this out than
with a few highlights from quite possibly the funniest post ever written
on the BDBL forum.
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